Fried Rice!

Hey guys. I know it's been a long time. But I'm coming back and I've got a recipe for you. I know fried rice isn't actually very Asian but I am an Asian person and I love this shit. It's one of those recipes that you can intuitively make from what you think is usually in fried rice. Or maybe that's just the yellow in me talking.

Now, I hate to do this to you but this recipe is going to take about a day's worth of forethought. I hate it when recipes make me wait. I want to make fried rice right the fuck now. And you can. But it's way more delicious if you cook the white rice a day beforehand. If it's been sitting in the fridge and it's cold it'll fry up really nicely. Otherwise it's mush-city for your food.

Haeyoon's Totally Asian Fried Rice
I originally made a fuck ton of this stuff and you can, too! Feel free to double the rice amount. I'd suggest cooking it in smaller batches for when you actually want to eat it. The rice will keep as long as it's covered and you can throw it in a pan and fry it up fresh and it'll be tastier that way.

1 cup cold white rice
Cooking oil
1 large yellow onion
2 cloves garlic
1 green onion
2 eggs
1 boneless chicken cutlet
soy sauce
1 Tbsp. butter
Rooster sauce if you're AWESOME

Cut the onion up in to small bits and mince the garlic. Start cooking these up in a little cooking oil on high heat. Cut the chicken into fucking small pieces. If you make cubes it'll be lame fried rice with random chunks of chicken in it. You want that shit to taste like one homogenous dish. Cut them very tiny indeed.

Mince up the green onion and throw that and the chicken into the frying pan. Cook it until the chicken looks white on all sides. Then, throw in the eggs and cook them until they are nice, solid, scrambled eggs.

Throw the butter in and let it melt. I like to throw a dash of turmeric in to make my rice all pretty and yellow but, again, that might be the slanty-eye in me. Now, throw your rice in and drizzle a really generous amount of soy sauce over the top.

Mix it up and just sort of move all the ingredients around for about ten minutes. I also throw in rooster sauce...


YES YES YES YES YES
Once it looks good and brown (or yellow if you got your turmeric on) take it off heat and let it cool a bit. This is the sort of thing where cooking it longer can only make it more delicious. If you get it crispy on the bottom then you're amazing.


Fuck yes delicious rice. Like this but without the carrots. You can add carrots but that makes you suck.
Like I said, it's a good idea to make a big batch of rice (2 cups of dry rice will make about 4 cups of cooked rice). Throw it in the fridge and cover it. You can take chunks out at a time and cook up fresh fried rice whenever you feel like it.

Delicious add ins to this recipe are:

-Peas. Not the frozen kind, homeboy. The fresh or the canned will do.
-Mushrooms. I think Chinese mushrooms are fucking weird so I always roll with button.
-Carrots. These are for losers.
-Ginger. Shave a little fresh ginger on and you're a baller. I didn't include it in the above recipe because WHO JUST HAS FRESH GINGER FLOATING AROUND.
-Pork or shrimp.
-Broccoli florets. I like to trim them down and steam them first since crunchy and healthy things are bad for you.

NOTE: Make sure you fry everything up separately. This is easy with a large pan. Keep the egg separate from the veggies until it's cooked and, once all the veggies look good, throw the rice in. If you throw everything together uncooked it will be a blobbery mess.

ALSO NOTE: Experiment with different kinds of soy sauce. Kikkoman's was good but I actually prefer La Choy which is the cheapest brand around. It's got more salt in it but it gives the rice that proper brown coloring fried rice should be. Also, it tastes like me childhood down by the hobo camps.

This was so easy I almost cried. If you fuck this up then you can probably stop cooking forever.