Farmer's Market Adventure

Let's start out with what I did last Saturday. I woke up at 6:00am to stand in line at Topper's Pizza on Washington Ave. No big surprise, you can see what they are at www.toppers.com. Being 45th in line for the grand opening I was gifted a year's worth of free pizza coupons.

OMFG

So now I can use one pizza coupon a week for the rest of forever. Their pizza is pretty nice, actually, and doesn't make me cry on the toilet. I've so far had their Tuscan Chicken pizza, their Buffalo Chicken one topping, and the Buffalo Chicken Grinder sandwich. Other than an annoyingly frequent use of the word "spank" ("This'll spank your tastebuds!" "Spank your mouth!" "SPANK IT!") their food is pretty high quality delivery-level pizza. I'd order them over Dominos if there were more than two locations in the cities.

MILL CITY FARMER'S MARKET
I hit up the Mill City Market with my buddies, Norah and Riley this last week. I wasn't feeling the Chef Shack this time around and since the two of them were running a bit late I was at the market for awhile by myself. Now, I've just discovered that I am completely terrified of doing things alone. I considered sitting in my car and waiting for them to show up but that seemed really Socially Awkward Penguin to me so I took that leap out of my car and set off into the world by myself.

I had a fresh squeeze raspberry limeade at Mudduscker's and sat on some steps and read one of my favorite new dumpster books, Middlesex. I can't even begin to describe how amazing a value this book is. Now only is it a Pulitzer Prize winning novel by the writer of the Virgin Suicides that deals with an intersex man in his 40's and his family's history but I found it in a dumpster for free.

I also noticed that when I go places in a group, everyone is smoking. I light up and do not even give a shit. But I was the only smoker at the market that day and lighting up felt like a horrible intrusion on everyone else's life. I huddled in the corner with my book and blew smoke in thin, pathetic streams off into the wind as inconspicuously as possible. No one even glanced at me but the crowd of my mind was coughing, waving their hands exaggeratedly, and developing stage four tumors. I ended up retreating to the Gutherie's entryway and then felt even worse when an elderly gentleman in period garb tipped his hat to me. I kept thinking, "I AM A MONSTER".

So I went and got myself a tart.

This tart was motherfucking excellent. From Queen of Tarts, it was $5 for a warm wild mushroom tart. Very rarely do mushrooms get to speak for themselves in dishes. They're usually limp and just add volume rather than taste. But these mushrooms were fucking singing. They were earthy and umami as fuck. Excellent purchase, would eat again.


My lunch was at The Bad Watiress on Eat Street which is just one of those places you end up all the time. I went with their Mac and Cheese, however, and added grilled onions for a carby-delicious treat. It was some good mac and cheese. I think I sensed....Gouda? Gruyere? I don't even care, it was good. The bread was dry and I gave up on it but the noodles were filling enough. Next time I will request a kingdom's worth of grilled onions.

Now, what's this thing pictured below? What could that giant, fucking sandwich thing be? Why, it's my meal from the brand new Green Spoon on University Ave!

For a place to delivery that isn't Jimmy John's, pizza, or Chinese is a miracle. This is the Korean Philly, a sandwich of bulgogi beef, perfectly sauteed peppers and onions, chipotle aioli,, and pepper jack cheese on a fresh baguette. For EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS.

They were a little heavy on the aioli and it was a hard sandwich to lift (I ended up tearing off pieces and eating it with a fork) but my god, it was a deal. I'd probably request less sauce next time since the sauce was a little filling and too much got to be a little gross but the fries that came with it were crispy, golden, and amazing. I was really impressed with the amount of food, the quality, and the price. They also delivery breakfast, salads, wraps, paninis, pot pies, and flatbreads. I think I'm going to be doing a lot of business with them.

I'll play you off with a picture of Norah (rarely seen in the wild, skittish, hard to get a photo of) on top of the parking garage we spent the afternoon on.

Breakfast Fried Rice

Oh man, after I made this one I started jumping up and down and screaming, "I AM A FUCKING GENIUS". Science and love came together to create this dish. This is not Sparta. This is:

BREAKFAST FRIED RICE

Cooked white rice
Butter
Two strips of bacon
An egg
Red pepper
Onion
Garlic
Brown Sugar
Soy Sauce

Optional Additives for Maximum Win:
Teriyaki
ROOSTER SAUCE
Green onions

Now, cut your bacon up into fourths. I like to throw it into a bowel with a little teriyaki marinade but you don't need to. Then I chop up the onion, red pepper, and garlic and throw everything you've done so far into a pan with the butter. When this all starts to brown shove it over a bit in the pan and crack in the egg. It's good to let the egg cook thoroughly before mixing it in or it can make everything soggy.

Once everything looks delicious and cooked I'll put it on some paper towels to drain a bit. Then, back in to the pan with about half a cup of cooked rice, some chopped green onion, and some soy sauce for color.

At this point I'll also drizzle a shit ton of rooster sauce over the top and add about a tablespoon of brown sugar. Make sure it's warm throughout and mixed well and serve!

Sour Cream and Chive Chicken with Herby Potatoes

Last night I ran out of most of the magical things I use to make food and I am on a pretty for reals diet right now. No more snacking, walking everywhere, and no excess butter. This is the toughest one. So I decided to try something new. I didn't do so well on the butter but I sure did walk my fucking ass off yesterday so I suppose it evens out.

SOUR CREAM AND CHIVE CHICKEN with HERBY POTATOES


Stuff You Need to Serve 2:
2 Potatoes (peeled)
2 Boneless Chicken Cutlets
Sour cream
Chives
Garlic (fuckin' minced)
Pam (for sprayin')
Any herb blend (I used Herbal Pizza Magic)
Parmesan and Roasted Garlic dressing

I chopped the potatoes into itty bits and tossed them around in a pan with healthy sprays of Pam and the herbs. You can throw salt/pepper/oregano/basil in there or cheese or whatever, it'll probably all taste good. I used this Pizza Magic junk one of the roommates keeps in the cupboard.


It looks ... like this.
It's a saltless blend of herbs and cheese so it tastes pretty fine on everything. You really can't fuck up herbs and cheese. I baked the now herbed-up potatoes at 475 degrees for 15 minutes. While those were in the oven I cut open the chicken breasts in the center and threw them in a pan with a little oil. I know I didn't tell you to have oil in the ingredient list but since you're fucking cooking I will assume you have oil. Any oil.

Let those get cooked around the outside and then throw some chopped chives and minced garlic in alongside them in the pan and cook those to a nice, soft texture. At this point I also poured a little Parmesan Garlic dressing into the cuts I made in the chicken to give them a little extra flavor. This is optional.

Keep everything steady at a medium heat or your chicken will burn outside and not cook inside. I stuffed the chives and garlic into the chicken slits (that sounds fucking horrible) and closed it off with a dollop of sour cream. Then, I covered the pan and let it chill for about ten minutes.

I also made garlic croissants from a Pillsbury tube. You can do that, too.

The last step is putting everything onto a plate and eating it.

Chef Shack - Minneapolis Food Truck

I'm currently reporting from the Minneapolis U2 Concert and I am terrified to go outside. I've never seen so many suburban moms in one place and I grew up in Eagan. It took me fifteen minutes to walk two blocks. There is a $25 million stage about one city block from me. I can see the huge, green top of "The Claw" look at me like Cthulu from the depths.


This. This is what's happening. And that is one parking lot.

But, Bono aside, I wanted to report on my first Minneapolis food truck experience. Minneapolis has a burgeoning food truck culture and I could never be bothered to find a moving restaurant until today. Something in me craved a challenge.

So I headed to the Mill City Farmer's Market to meet up with The Chef Shack.



There wasn't much of a wait and outside of the shack there was a table set up with about six tubs of different pickled veggies. I also grabbed the ominous bottle of XXX sauce.



They were also, unfortunately, out of the beef tongue taco when we got there around 1pm.


An excellent specimen of nacho for only SIX DOLLARS.

I got the Shack Nachos, tortilla chips (with a perfect hint of chew) topped with pulled porn, queso, garden salsa, and guacamole. You may think this is craziness but this was the first time I have ever had guacamole in my entire life. My boss laughed at me when he saw this picture and said that the nachos didn't look anything like food but they were amazing. The salsa was incredibly fresh and had a pickled flavor to it and the guacamole had a hint of sweetness that I don't think is natural in the avocado. There were also some very succulent roasted black beans in there.



Gwyneth and Anneliese, my farmer's market friends, had the sweet potato tacos. Without the sprinkling of queso I believe they're vegan. They were made with roasted black beans, mashed sweet potato, the garden salsa, and queso.

The farmer's market was, all in all, amazing. They had a fresh squeezed juice stand that looked great but I already had a tea with me so I didn't get to try it. The entire market shut down around 2pm so I'll have to remember to get there much earlier next time. They had a pesto making demonstration at 10am that day.

After the Chef Shack we were fortunate enough to grab the last of the Sonny's Ice cream. I mixed the frozen hot chocolate with toasted coconut and it was probably an 8 on my ice cream scale.

Rainbow Dash Pony Mod

RAINBOW DASH PONY MOD:
MAKING RAINBOW DASH 20% COOLER
So I was sitting up with Boyfriend, watching some horror movie where someone cuts the power to the house and dresses up like a terrifying clown to murder a bunch of people. Then the power went out. With only a lighter and a phone I suddenly felt weirdly, terrifyingly weak. So this is what happened:

Me: "HELP ME DRESS I WILL NOT DIE NAKED THIS NIGHT"

Boyfriend: "YOUR CLOTHES ARE INSIDE OUT OH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING."

I started wildly grabbing for my phone but knocked it to the ground. I know that we keep both loaded guns and sharpened swords in the immediate vicinity but, with absolutely zero light, I wasn't too sure of my ability to operate them. If this were a zombie apocalypse my best bet would be to lie down in the bed and die.

The lights came back on within a minute but, shaken, I knew what I had to do to restore equilibrium to my world.

Look at happy, wonderful ponies!

RAINBOW DASH PONY TIME
I was pretty excited to find a Rainbow Dash waiting for me at Target when I went last week. Usually it's just a wall of Rarity and Applejacks so finding a Rainbow Dash AND a Twilight Sparkle was an unusually treat.

Unfortunately, this is the abomination that greeted me from inside that colorful Hasbro plastic box:


Each moment this unnatural beast lives is like a thousand years of misery.
So I got my tools out and went to work.


I didn't use all of these tools but I gathered them all for good measure. Most necessary were the scissors, thread, and brush on super glue. The needles are nice to manipulate the thread when it's tied and mixed up in pony hair.


The first thing I did was separate the colored chunks of hair. Her bangs were orange and red where they should have had some yellow mixed in. Her tail was solely blue and green and there was no purple anywhere. So I rearranged her bangs and mane by forcing sections around and tying them in place with thread.

I trimmed some yellow and orange from her mane since her hair is much, much shorter than what comes in the box. I set this aside to add some variety to her tail later.


Once all the hair was where I wanted it I super glued it down. You can see here that I precariously glued a swatch of yellow, orange, and red onto her tail.


I tied a little bow on her butt to cover where the extra hair was connected and there she is! At least 20% cooler than before. Her bangs aren't quite as raggedy/awesome as I wanted and her mane isn't super full but I feel like she's a much better facsimile than the Hasbro ponies that are pumped out from the same mold. The only thing missing now is an angry little line above her eye to make her look extreeeeeme.


Chilling with Twilight and my pony coloring/activity book!

Tune in next week when I tell all of my friends I can't go out because I'm washing my hair but I'll actually be modding my Applejack pony!

Five Minute Nachos

I got a little too wrapped up in My Little Pony this afternoon and forgot to make dinner for myself. Lunch had already been a trying affair as I had a coupon for a free bagel/cream cheese at Breugger's but they wouldn't take an e-coupon. So I ended up driving to two different libraries trying to print the coupon and once I had the tasty toasted bagel in my hands I was so hungry that it just didn't cut it.

So I knew I had to have dinner. I took 5 minutes (if that) and created...

FIVE MINUTE NACHOS
You will need
Thawed chicken cutlet
onion
oil
seasoning
chips
cheese
salsa

I chopped up some onion and the chicken and threw them in a pan with a little cooking oil and fajita seasoning I had on hand. While those cooked I cracked some chips down into travel size in a bowl and covered them in cheese. Once the chicken looked done I poured the grilled bits on top and doused with salsa and Tabasco sauce.

Make sure the chicken is completely cooked or you will bite in and cry. Finding raw chicken in your mouth by accident is not fun.
The cheese wasn't melted since I wanted to reheat it fresh at work. Garnished with optional green onion.


NACHOS IN SECONDS. Taking the chip and cheese combo to the next level.

Poor Man's Lo Mein

So, the unthinkable happened today. We ran out of rice. No Asian person's kitchen should ever be rice-less but today it happened. So I improvised.

Poor Man's Lo Mein


Spaghetti noodles
Chicken
Cooking oil
Soy sauce
Brown sugar
onion
green onion
baby corn
garlic
ginger
ROOSTER SAUCE

Note: The baby corn and ginger are optional but they add a good flavor. Baby corn is around $1 for a can and you can throw some tin foil over the top of the can and keep it in the fridge. It'll last you a few good meals. It can typically be found in the section of your grocery store marked ETHNIC.

Side Note: I always feel awkward shopping in the Asian Ethnic section of the grocery store. I'm not sure why this is. I feel like everyone is expecting me to only buy fish heads and weird cabbage-y shit and when I check out I will pronounce my 'l's as 'r's.

Boil the noodles in some water. If you don't know how to do this you should stop. Put down the noodles. And go away from the kitchen. You do not belong there.

Get all of your mix-ins ready. Chop the onion, green onion, baby corn, and garlic and throw it in a pan with a little oil. Once the onions start to get translucent (translation: smells delicious and looks clear) you are ready for the chicken step.


You will find yourself with an incomplete rainbow. Many of the most delicious foods, you will find, are brown. Or white. Or colorless. Most green things are bad for you and taste like ass.
Start cooking up the chicken bits with the veggies and, once the noodles are done throw them right into the pan (sans water). Liberally douse with soy sauce and cook with about a tablespoon of brown sugar. I sprinkled in a little ginger but that's not necessary. Almost no one keeps that shit around the house. If you do use ginger remember that a little bit goes a long way. Use more than a sprinkle and your whole dish will taste like ginger which is gross.


FINAL STEP: POUR SOME ROOSTER SAUCE ON THE BITCH.

SOMETIMES BEING POOR CAN BE AWESOME.