Tuna Noodle Casserole Challenge Answer

My buddy, Dutcher, has requested a tuna noodle casserole she can make without cheddar cheese (a rarity in the vastness of Europe) and without a "cream of ____" soup. Yo' mama's tuna noodle casserole would usually call for a can of Cream O' Mushroom Soup, cheddar, and potato chips. This is not that.

8 ounces of wide egg noodles, cooked and drained
1 1/2 white onion, diced
3 cups mushrooms, sliced
3 garlic cloves, minced
A splash of white wine
3 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup half and half
2 cups frozen peas
3 tablespoons fresh parsley, chopped
salt and pepper to taste
2 cans worth of tuna

1. Make the noodles.
2. Cook the mushrooms, onion, and garlic in butter in a pan. Add the wine (or drink it).
3. Sprinkle the flour over the pan to thicken the mixture.
4. Stir in milk and cream. Gently now... Add the peas, seasonings, and tuna.
5. After all is said and cooked, go ahead and mix it together in a pleasing manner. Devour.

Now, this is more like a Tuna Noodle Pasta Dish. If it's a baked motherfucker you're looking for try modifying the recipe in this way:

-boil water and cook the noodles for only about 5 minutes. This will soften them a bit.
-over medium heat cook the butter, wine, milk, cream, and seasonings.
-Add flour slowly to thicken the liquid mixture
-gently cook the mushrooms, onion, garlic, and peas in a pan

Now, don't cook everything all the way through or it will be overcooked after this next step that will blow your mind.

THE BAKED VERSION
-Put the egg noodles in a baking dish
-throw in the tuna
-throw the cooked veggies over the noodles
-pour the liquid mixture of wine and butter and good over it all
-crinkle up a bag of 'tato chips (i highly suggest Crunchips Sweet Thai Chili flavor, only available in Germany) and sprinkle them on top
-BAKE IT ALL at 375 degrees F for about 25-30 minutes.

THINGS THAT WILL MAKE THIS EVEN BETTER
Now, I personally don't like tuna. It is a fish that is not found around here. It has high mercury content. I don't like fish that much. So my suggestions (if you can swing them) are as follows:

-Make it all with a diced Morning Star "chicken" patty. I love the breading on them and you can even get flavors this way, like Tomato Basil. It could add a flavorful twist.

-Do chicken instead. Locally produced chicken is, in the long run, much better than either tuna (bad for a lot of reasons) or a processed fake meat. Fake meat has to be processed, frozen, and shipped and in the end you're doing the environment worse than if you had gotten local meat.

-Cheese. Dutcher, I know you don't have cheddar but cheese is always a good thing and this casserole, personally, I think could be given an extra, nutty bite with a good Gouda. Gouda is so smoky and distinct that I think a layer of Gouda on top of the veggies and before the cream mixture would add a really special taste to this.


Just like my Debo used to make. Only this is the simple one with only 5 ingredients. We went all out and made everything from scratch because Europe does not believe in the simple, delicious, bad-for-you processed foods of America.

Burrito Night

Location: The basement room
Food in belly: Chipotle

New update! The blog will now update every Sunday, hopefully like clockwork, with a new series of recipes as per Dutcher's requests. I will still make vegetarian tweaks to everything on here, so no worries to my veggie eater(s). I know, it's just you, Jake.

EASY STEPS TO A PERFECT BURRITO
Steak and Rice edition
Here is the full shopping list. This includes everything for guacamole, seasoned steak, hot sauce (from scratch), cilanto-lime rice, chips, and refried beans. Below is a shorter list for just the steak marinade, rice, beans, and salsa.

FULL LIST
1 white onion
1 red onion
As many fresh chilies as you can get
1 cup rice
1 can tomato juice
1 can pinto beans
6 bunches cilantro
10 cloves garlic
2 limes
2 large avocado
1 large tomato
2 large steaks
2 tsp. cumin
salt and pepper
garlic powder
cumin
oregano
curry powder
allspice (or nutmeg in a pinch)
sugar
white vinegar
vegetable oil

tortillas
sour cream, corn, cheese

Guacamole
1/4 small white onion
2 of whatever chiles you have on hand, seeded
The kind of chilies you pick will determine the hotness of the guac
4 sprigs of cilantro
Juice of 1/2 lime
1/4 tsp. salt
2 large avocado
1 large tomato, finely chopped
Additional salt to taste

Recipe is modified from this one:
http://savour-fare.com/2010/09/03/the-only-guacamole-recipe-youll-ever-need/#ixzz0yhODLPNA

I don't like guacamole. I think it's gross. But Dutcher loves it so here it be.

1. Mash up the avocado in a bowl
2. Process everything else together (you can either food process it or, like a lazy poor person, chop it up really fine and just mash it for a chunkier, just as yummy guacamole)


STEAK FOR BURRITOS!
This next one is one of those "copy-cat" recipes for steak just like at Chipotle. The secret to most of Chipotle's food is the addition of ancho chiles (duh). Since Germany is barren of spice this might be a little harder. Look for dried chili power, Dutcher, or dry chilies on your own.

This will yield about 4 burritos.

dried ancho chilies (about 2 ounces worth)
1 teaspoon black pepper
2 teaspoons cumin powder
2 tablespoons fresh oregano, chopped
6 cloves garlic
1/2 red onion, quartered
1/4 cup vegetable oil
4 Small Steaks (6 ounces each)

Dredge everything together and let the steak marinate in it overnight (or for a couple of hours if you're impatient). Cook it up in a skillet with oil (until it's to your liking) and cut it cut after it has cooked and cooled a bit.


Or you can eat it with....mayo...like this guy?


DRYING CHILIES
As I've shopped around I've found that not all chilies are good for drying as they will take longer or possibly spoil before naturally dried. So let's do it the easy way. Make sure you're not attempting this on a hot, hot day.

Turn on your oven to:
122 degrees F or
50 degrees C for our Socialist and heathen friends who hate America

This works best if your oven has a fan in it but I don't know if Germany has progressed that far.

Put the chilies evenly on baking sheet (don't grease or cover it) and leave them in the oven for 1 hour with the door slightly cracked.

Turn them over and bake for another hour. Repeat until they are evenly dried.


They should look all black and fucked up like this
DUTCH HOT SAUCE
This will yield about a cup and a half and it is garlicky as fuck. There are a couple of problems you might run in to when making your own hot sauce. Have a glass bottle on hand to bottle it in and you should refrigerate a home made one as hot sauce has to go through several processes to be shelf stable. If your hot sauce ends up too high in acidity it will foam and be all fuckered up. So refrigerate.

About 12 fresh chili peppers (any will do, this calls for cayenne if you can find it)
2 teaspoons garlic power
4 cloves minced garlic (fresh)
6 ounces tomato juice
1/2 cup White Vinegar
1 teaspoon Curry Powder
1 1/2 teaspoons Allspice
2 Tablespoons Sugar
1 teaspoon Salt
I usually get to cutting out ingredients at this point because I want hot sauce and I want it cheap and now. You can probably leave out the garlic powder and just add more fresh but I would NOT skip the vinegar as hot sauce needs it to maintain it's acidity. Curry should be easy to find, as will salt and sugar, but it you're having troubles with allspice try equal parts cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. If you just have nutmeg, go for it. Experiment. Be crazy.

Combine all these ingredients in a sauce pan and bring to a simmer. Simmer for about 5-8 minutes and then let it cool a bit before bottling. Use a glass bottle and refrigerate.


CILANTRO LIME RICE
I have learned a lesson that took nature about 15 years to teach me. Always wash your rice. Or it will taste like poop.

1 teaspoon vegetable oil or butter
2 tsp. fresh cilantro
2/3 cup white basmati rice
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 Lime

WASH the fucking rice. You did? Wash it again. Then begin to cook it as you always would. Take it off the burner, add the cilantro, butter, salt, and the juice of a lime (lemon should work but cilantro and lime is a classic combo, a'la Top Chef)

Fluff it with a fork.


Now, no burrito would be complete without beans.

THE MAGICAL REFRIED FRUIT
Now, to make these beans fit for a burrito you want to cook them gently, simmered in a pot with water for about 2 hours. When they're done transfer to a pan and start cooking and mashing them with oil (or, as Chipotle does, with bacon fat leftovers). Salt to taste and add to your burrito!

Now, to properly assemble your burrito:

1. Throw down the rice first. Always use less than you think you want.
2. Go with a spoonful of beans
3. Throw the meat on top of that
4. Go hot sauce, sour cream, corn, and cheese, in that order.
5. Top with guacamole

ROLLING DIRECTIONS:
Hold the tortilla with everything directly in the center. Fold what are going to be the ends of your burrito inwards a couple inches. THEN begin rolling, pulling the insides back as you go. Wrap in tinfoil and you have your own AT HOME Chipotle bullshit.


BONUS: CHIPS?!
To make chips for the side, just cut up a fresh tortilla and bake it on a foil sheet for about 10 minutes. You're going to want to cut triangles, spray the shit out of them with cooking oil, season with salt and pepper, and bake at about 400 degrees. PROFIT.

EDIT: I forgot that some people like lettuce. In that unfortunate case, buy a head of fresh lettuce, tear off leaves, and then tear off the white bottom part. Go ahead. Waste. Then, chop the lettuce roughly with a kitchen knife. You'll get lettuce strips like that have in most restaurants.

RANCH - The Flagship Dutcher Post

Location: The Tattoo Place
Music: Whatever the artist picked
Weather: Kind of gray

So, a lot of recipes call for buttermilk, right? And you're all like, "WTF who has buttermilk? I don't want to go to the store I hate this." Well, I'm going to help you make buttermilk RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. This is followed by a special recipe just for Amanda Dutcher...

BUTTERMILK
1 c. whole milk
1 Tbsp. lemon juice (or distilled white vinegar, something acidic)

Mix the two together. Let sit for 15 minutes. Mix again. BUTTERMILK.

AMANDA DUTCHER'S DO-ANYTHING-YOU-WANT-TO-IT RANCH DRESSING BASE
1 qt. mayonnaise
1 qt. buttermilk
2 tsp. parsley flakes
2 tsp. onion salt
3/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 tsp. garlic salt

Mix it all together and refrigerate for a few hours so the flavors mix up. This makes 2 quarts (not enough, right?) but you can make it bigger or smaller as you like.

Knowing Amanda, she will improve upon this recipe in no time so stay tuned for her comments regarding good mix ins and better spices. I would suggest adding peppers and bacon for a Bacon Chipotle Ranch. A good method of drying chiles and making hot sauce is to come! Also, having a spicy ranch is killing two birds with one stone. You're getting ranch dressing and spiciness....two things Germany completely lacks.

SOME RANCH IDEAS:
-Add 2 tsp. dill to the above recipe
Dill would make the ranch in to a tart and refreshing vegetable dip

-Add 2 tsp. paprika
Paprika is Germany's go-to spice and this would make it a lovely creamy red color with a little bit of a bite. Good on burgers and sandwiches!

-Replace some of the buttermilk with more mayonnaise and add chopped fresh basil and tomato
Now you have an Italian sandwich spread! Add as much mayo as you want to thicken it but it'll be cool and refreshing in a way store bought spreads cannot be!

MAKE SOME RANCH