These Nachos Built This City

The Cheapest and Best Nachos Ever
Tostinos - Hint of Lime chips
Generic 3 Cheese Taco Blend
Salsa verde
Chipotle Tabasco sauce
tomato
One white onion
Pickled jalapenos
Refried beans
sour cream

So, I put two layers of the lime chips in a baking pan (and an extra layer went in my mouth) and I dolloped refried beans on them. The thing about refried beans is that they taste fine from a can but when they're actually in the can they a)smell like wet shit and b) are watery which makes the shit smell worse. Take them out, put them in a bowl, and whisk 'em around with a form until the consistency is good and even. THEN put little dollops all around the chips.

Layer with cheese. Lots of it. Even when you put a ton on the post-baked chips will seem like they need more. Sprinkle on jalapenos and chopped onion. I chopped mine very fine since I'm not a fan of the crunch but more of the flavor. Cheese it again and bake.

My chips were on foil in a baking pan and went in at 350 degrees for 12 minutes. When they pop out all warm and bubbly top with a huge restaurant-style dollop of sour cream and drizzle the whole deal with some of the Chipotle Tabasco sauce. YOUR NACHOS ARE WIN.


These are the nachos about a minute in to Boyfriend eating them. He was devouring them and I said, "wait I have to take a picture!" He said, with food in his mouth, "Okay, but I won't stop eating." So here they are, already demolished, at a weird angle since he was double fisting them and it was hard to get the computer camera in there.



Win Sauce Sandwiches
Contrary to the name, there is no sauce involved. Only win
A thick, hard loaf of bread
A couple of eggs
Shredded Parmesan cheese
olive oil or cooking oil
Slices of another cheese, swiss was good
yellow onion
red pepper
mushrooms
fresh garlic

So that there is the frame of the sandwich. What you put in it is up to you but Emily and I put her mother's homemade meatballs. Browned with rosemary and butter, then squashed flat. You can also make tofu-balls with crumbly tofu, breadcrumbs, spices, and egg. Ham might be good, as would a Morning Star chicken patty. Options are endless. But here's the rest of the sandwich.

Cut the bread in to thick, happy slices. Make them sturdy. Scramble the egg in a dish and soak the bread completely in egg. If you did it right, one egg should be equal to about two slices of bread.

Throw the egg-soaked bread in a ziploc or other plastic bag and pour the cheese in. Shake it like a Polaroid. The cheese should stick to the bread thickly. Then it's safe to throw in a skillet with a little oil and pepper.

Put the bread in an already warm skillet. There's a little rule that anything that hits the frying pan should begin to cook right away. Don't move the bread around, don't flip it, leave it to simmer on medium heat for about 8 minutes. If you can life it straight up and the cheese on the cooking side is brown, THEN flip it and leave it the fuck alone. Moving it around will screw up the cheese crust.

Put your bread off to the side somewhere safe to cool. Then, in the same skillet, start cooking thinly sliced onion, red pepper, minced garlic, and mushroom slices. Let them get all soft and brown then throw them on one of the bread slices. Follow that by some sliced swiss cheese and your sandwich is ready for whatever filling you want. Ham? More cheese? Tofu? Throw it on, press the sandwich on the grill, and enjoy!!!

(I tweaked my sandwich a little by not cooking it in olive oil but in some Newman's Own Parmesan Garlic dressing. That added a great flavor.)

Vegetarian Notes of the Day: Most refried beans are not vegetarian. I know what you're thinking, "But Haeyoon! WTF.". Pinto beans are usually made with pork or bacon drippings. That's why Chipotle's pinto beans are NOT vegetarian. Use black beans if you're looking to avoid animal products. This is one of those 'Surprise! It's an animal!" moments, like Jello and Thai Noodles.

Random Pot Soup

Since I started blogging on a semi-professional weekly basis Rainbow Grab Bag has suffered. I know I can't keep up with a weekly recipe and so I am going to give you some special ones I've cooked up recently and a few ideas to make up for my sad, sad hiatus.

THIS SOUP I MADE TODAY
Today, I made a soup. After over a year of making soup on a daily basis I feel like I know a thing or two about soup. However, once I had all of the pans in front of me, I panicked a little and started making things up on the fly. This is what happened:

Pot 1:
A large silver cooking pot. I chopped up an onion and 5 cloves of garlic were minced. I let them simmer and turn slightly brown in a big 'ol unmeasured gulp of olive oil.

Pot 2:
A small black pot where I cooked up a handful of penne pasta.

Pan 3:
Here is where I simmered the meatballs. Yes, you read right. Fucking meatballs. Beef, rolled with breadcrumbs, onions, spices, and some parmesan cheese. They cooked on low in a pan filled with olive oil and browned rosemary/sage/red pepper (I let them get really crisp and brown on the outside. They were of mini-size).

Pot 4:
This pot was filled to the brim with chopped potatoes, diced carrots, and minced broccoli florets. They boiled with water and a whole ton of salt.

What did I make? I made a really, really poor (and creative) man's version of Italian Wedding. I threw the strained veggies in with the onions and garlic and stirred. Then the pasta. I then added 5 cups of water, 4 bullion cubes, and salt/pepper. Then, my secret crazy made-up roux:

2 cups milk, brought to a slow, roiling boil
1 cup grated cheese
1 handful of flour
whiskwhiskwhisk and dump it in the pot.

Serve in a bowl with halved meatballs and a little cheese on top. So much win. So filling, and you can freeze it to last for YEARS.

I've got a whole bunch upstairs in the fridge now, as I type this, and I want more but my stomach cannot take it. Just 1 measure cup of this soup destroyed me. I was warm and full and happy and my tongue was burned.

I didn't measure a single thing throughout this soup and neither should you. Throw in pinches and handfuls of whatever you want. I used tons of salt, more than enough pepper, a little dill, rosemary, thyme, basil, and red pepper flakes. And it was all good. Spices are meant to be experimented with.


As you can see here, I did not get my degree in Food Photography. This unappetizing thing is my delicious soup. Take my word for it, it was pretty good.

Tuna Noodle Casserole Challenge Answer

My buddy, Dutcher, has requested a tuna noodle casserole she can make without cheddar cheese (a rarity in the vastness of Europe) and without a "cream of ____" soup. Yo' mama's tuna noodle casserole would usually call for a can of Cream O' Mushroom Soup, cheddar, and potato chips. This is not that.

8 ounces of wide egg noodles, cooked and drained
1 1/2 white onion, diced
3 cups mushrooms, sliced
3 garlic cloves, minced
A splash of white wine
3 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup half and half
2 cups frozen peas
3 tablespoons fresh parsley, chopped
salt and pepper to taste
2 cans worth of tuna

1. Make the noodles.
2. Cook the mushrooms, onion, and garlic in butter in a pan. Add the wine (or drink it).
3. Sprinkle the flour over the pan to thicken the mixture.
4. Stir in milk and cream. Gently now... Add the peas, seasonings, and tuna.
5. After all is said and cooked, go ahead and mix it together in a pleasing manner. Devour.

Now, this is more like a Tuna Noodle Pasta Dish. If it's a baked motherfucker you're looking for try modifying the recipe in this way:

-boil water and cook the noodles for only about 5 minutes. This will soften them a bit.
-over medium heat cook the butter, wine, milk, cream, and seasonings.
-Add flour slowly to thicken the liquid mixture
-gently cook the mushrooms, onion, garlic, and peas in a pan

Now, don't cook everything all the way through or it will be overcooked after this next step that will blow your mind.

THE BAKED VERSION
-Put the egg noodles in a baking dish
-throw in the tuna
-throw the cooked veggies over the noodles
-pour the liquid mixture of wine and butter and good over it all
-crinkle up a bag of 'tato chips (i highly suggest Crunchips Sweet Thai Chili flavor, only available in Germany) and sprinkle them on top
-BAKE IT ALL at 375 degrees F for about 25-30 minutes.

THINGS THAT WILL MAKE THIS EVEN BETTER
Now, I personally don't like tuna. It is a fish that is not found around here. It has high mercury content. I don't like fish that much. So my suggestions (if you can swing them) are as follows:

-Make it all with a diced Morning Star "chicken" patty. I love the breading on them and you can even get flavors this way, like Tomato Basil. It could add a flavorful twist.

-Do chicken instead. Locally produced chicken is, in the long run, much better than either tuna (bad for a lot of reasons) or a processed fake meat. Fake meat has to be processed, frozen, and shipped and in the end you're doing the environment worse than if you had gotten local meat.

-Cheese. Dutcher, I know you don't have cheddar but cheese is always a good thing and this casserole, personally, I think could be given an extra, nutty bite with a good Gouda. Gouda is so smoky and distinct that I think a layer of Gouda on top of the veggies and before the cream mixture would add a really special taste to this.


Just like my Debo used to make. Only this is the simple one with only 5 ingredients. We went all out and made everything from scratch because Europe does not believe in the simple, delicious, bad-for-you processed foods of America.

Burrito Night

Location: The basement room
Food in belly: Chipotle

New update! The blog will now update every Sunday, hopefully like clockwork, with a new series of recipes as per Dutcher's requests. I will still make vegetarian tweaks to everything on here, so no worries to my veggie eater(s). I know, it's just you, Jake.

EASY STEPS TO A PERFECT BURRITO
Steak and Rice edition
Here is the full shopping list. This includes everything for guacamole, seasoned steak, hot sauce (from scratch), cilanto-lime rice, chips, and refried beans. Below is a shorter list for just the steak marinade, rice, beans, and salsa.

FULL LIST
1 white onion
1 red onion
As many fresh chilies as you can get
1 cup rice
1 can tomato juice
1 can pinto beans
6 bunches cilantro
10 cloves garlic
2 limes
2 large avocado
1 large tomato
2 large steaks
2 tsp. cumin
salt and pepper
garlic powder
cumin
oregano
curry powder
allspice (or nutmeg in a pinch)
sugar
white vinegar
vegetable oil

tortillas
sour cream, corn, cheese

Guacamole
1/4 small white onion
2 of whatever chiles you have on hand, seeded
The kind of chilies you pick will determine the hotness of the guac
4 sprigs of cilantro
Juice of 1/2 lime
1/4 tsp. salt
2 large avocado
1 large tomato, finely chopped
Additional salt to taste

Recipe is modified from this one:
http://savour-fare.com/2010/09/03/the-only-guacamole-recipe-youll-ever-need/#ixzz0yhODLPNA

I don't like guacamole. I think it's gross. But Dutcher loves it so here it be.

1. Mash up the avocado in a bowl
2. Process everything else together (you can either food process it or, like a lazy poor person, chop it up really fine and just mash it for a chunkier, just as yummy guacamole)


STEAK FOR BURRITOS!
This next one is one of those "copy-cat" recipes for steak just like at Chipotle. The secret to most of Chipotle's food is the addition of ancho chiles (duh). Since Germany is barren of spice this might be a little harder. Look for dried chili power, Dutcher, or dry chilies on your own.

This will yield about 4 burritos.

dried ancho chilies (about 2 ounces worth)
1 teaspoon black pepper
2 teaspoons cumin powder
2 tablespoons fresh oregano, chopped
6 cloves garlic
1/2 red onion, quartered
1/4 cup vegetable oil
4 Small Steaks (6 ounces each)

Dredge everything together and let the steak marinate in it overnight (or for a couple of hours if you're impatient). Cook it up in a skillet with oil (until it's to your liking) and cut it cut after it has cooked and cooled a bit.


Or you can eat it with....mayo...like this guy?


DRYING CHILIES
As I've shopped around I've found that not all chilies are good for drying as they will take longer or possibly spoil before naturally dried. So let's do it the easy way. Make sure you're not attempting this on a hot, hot day.

Turn on your oven to:
122 degrees F or
50 degrees C for our Socialist and heathen friends who hate America

This works best if your oven has a fan in it but I don't know if Germany has progressed that far.

Put the chilies evenly on baking sheet (don't grease or cover it) and leave them in the oven for 1 hour with the door slightly cracked.

Turn them over and bake for another hour. Repeat until they are evenly dried.


They should look all black and fucked up like this
DUTCH HOT SAUCE
This will yield about a cup and a half and it is garlicky as fuck. There are a couple of problems you might run in to when making your own hot sauce. Have a glass bottle on hand to bottle it in and you should refrigerate a home made one as hot sauce has to go through several processes to be shelf stable. If your hot sauce ends up too high in acidity it will foam and be all fuckered up. So refrigerate.

About 12 fresh chili peppers (any will do, this calls for cayenne if you can find it)
2 teaspoons garlic power
4 cloves minced garlic (fresh)
6 ounces tomato juice
1/2 cup White Vinegar
1 teaspoon Curry Powder
1 1/2 teaspoons Allspice
2 Tablespoons Sugar
1 teaspoon Salt
I usually get to cutting out ingredients at this point because I want hot sauce and I want it cheap and now. You can probably leave out the garlic powder and just add more fresh but I would NOT skip the vinegar as hot sauce needs it to maintain it's acidity. Curry should be easy to find, as will salt and sugar, but it you're having troubles with allspice try equal parts cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves. If you just have nutmeg, go for it. Experiment. Be crazy.

Combine all these ingredients in a sauce pan and bring to a simmer. Simmer for about 5-8 minutes and then let it cool a bit before bottling. Use a glass bottle and refrigerate.


CILANTRO LIME RICE
I have learned a lesson that took nature about 15 years to teach me. Always wash your rice. Or it will taste like poop.

1 teaspoon vegetable oil or butter
2 tsp. fresh cilantro
2/3 cup white basmati rice
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 Lime

WASH the fucking rice. You did? Wash it again. Then begin to cook it as you always would. Take it off the burner, add the cilantro, butter, salt, and the juice of a lime (lemon should work but cilantro and lime is a classic combo, a'la Top Chef)

Fluff it with a fork.


Now, no burrito would be complete without beans.

THE MAGICAL REFRIED FRUIT
Now, to make these beans fit for a burrito you want to cook them gently, simmered in a pot with water for about 2 hours. When they're done transfer to a pan and start cooking and mashing them with oil (or, as Chipotle does, with bacon fat leftovers). Salt to taste and add to your burrito!

Now, to properly assemble your burrito:

1. Throw down the rice first. Always use less than you think you want.
2. Go with a spoonful of beans
3. Throw the meat on top of that
4. Go hot sauce, sour cream, corn, and cheese, in that order.
5. Top with guacamole

ROLLING DIRECTIONS:
Hold the tortilla with everything directly in the center. Fold what are going to be the ends of your burrito inwards a couple inches. THEN begin rolling, pulling the insides back as you go. Wrap in tinfoil and you have your own AT HOME Chipotle bullshit.


BONUS: CHIPS?!
To make chips for the side, just cut up a fresh tortilla and bake it on a foil sheet for about 10 minutes. You're going to want to cut triangles, spray the shit out of them with cooking oil, season with salt and pepper, and bake at about 400 degrees. PROFIT.

EDIT: I forgot that some people like lettuce. In that unfortunate case, buy a head of fresh lettuce, tear off leaves, and then tear off the white bottom part. Go ahead. Waste. Then, chop the lettuce roughly with a kitchen knife. You'll get lettuce strips like that have in most restaurants.

RANCH - The Flagship Dutcher Post

Location: The Tattoo Place
Music: Whatever the artist picked
Weather: Kind of gray

So, a lot of recipes call for buttermilk, right? And you're all like, "WTF who has buttermilk? I don't want to go to the store I hate this." Well, I'm going to help you make buttermilk RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. This is followed by a special recipe just for Amanda Dutcher...

BUTTERMILK
1 c. whole milk
1 Tbsp. lemon juice (or distilled white vinegar, something acidic)

Mix the two together. Let sit for 15 minutes. Mix again. BUTTERMILK.

AMANDA DUTCHER'S DO-ANYTHING-YOU-WANT-TO-IT RANCH DRESSING BASE
1 qt. mayonnaise
1 qt. buttermilk
2 tsp. parsley flakes
2 tsp. onion salt
3/4 tsp. pepper
1/2 tsp. garlic salt

Mix it all together and refrigerate for a few hours so the flavors mix up. This makes 2 quarts (not enough, right?) but you can make it bigger or smaller as you like.

Knowing Amanda, she will improve upon this recipe in no time so stay tuned for her comments regarding good mix ins and better spices. I would suggest adding peppers and bacon for a Bacon Chipotle Ranch. A good method of drying chiles and making hot sauce is to come! Also, having a spicy ranch is killing two birds with one stone. You're getting ranch dressing and spiciness....two things Germany completely lacks.

SOME RANCH IDEAS:
-Add 2 tsp. dill to the above recipe
Dill would make the ranch in to a tart and refreshing vegetable dip

-Add 2 tsp. paprika
Paprika is Germany's go-to spice and this would make it a lovely creamy red color with a little bit of a bite. Good on burgers and sandwiches!

-Replace some of the buttermilk with more mayonnaise and add chopped fresh basil and tomato
Now you have an Italian sandwich spread! Add as much mayo as you want to thicken it but it'll be cool and refreshing in a way store bought spreads cannot be!

MAKE SOME RANCH

After the Move

Location: Boyfriend's lovely new basement room
Temperature: Cold as balls. That are cold. Not that balls are cold.
Quit Smoking Challenge: ...has ended. I quit so hard I quit quitting.

Alright, so with the move and the new job and the crazy commutes I haven't had time to cook up anything delicious. All I gotta say is never fucking go to Dominos on White Bear Avenue. Someone's fucking grandma works there and she does not understand cars, credit cards, or, oh god, pizza. The order took 15 minutes, she told me it would be $44, and then I had to call back and find out they don't even deliver to my location. What. I called the other Dominos and they brought us the same thing in twenty minutes for $28. I don't know how it works. It just does.

I have this new job, though, where people come in and get stupid things tattooed in stupid places and I help them. It's pretty nice.

I feel like I need to provide a recipe, though. It's been awhile and I'm going to hearken back to something I used to make for friends and then tag on my macaroni recipe since it's so fucking good. Have I done the macaroni already? Oh well.

Oh God Yes...Its the Ramlette.
You will need:
-One packet of Ramen (chicken works best)
-Two eggs
-No dignity

Boil the noodles as usual. While they're boiling take the two eggs and whisk them with the Ramen seasoning. Pour the cooked noodles and the egg/seasoning mix into a lightly buttered frying pan. Cook it like an omelet.

Oh god. Eat it.


Someone here tried to dress it up all fancy. But a pig in make up in still a pig. And still delicious.
Alright, the real recipe of today. My Kraken Mac. Revealed.

You will need:
-Pasta (farfalle works best I think)
-2 Cups grated cheese (I go half swiss, half gruyere since the latter is so expensive)
-1 can chicken or vegetable broth
-1 cup milk
-a big ol titty handful of flour
-salt and pepper (I use white pepper since...my mom has it)
-vinegar
-onions

1. Bring the broth and the milk to a simmer
2. Add the flour. ADD IT RIGHT NOW and let it simmer for awhile
3. Slowly add the cheese. If you add it before the flour or throw it all in at once you will get lumpy, disgusting cheese curds.
4. Add the spices and let it all simmer gently for about 5 minutes

While all that is occurring chop up your onion in to fancy slices (French style, right? Let's call it Fancy Slices Style). Start cooking them in a pan with a little oil until they are browned and look like something you'd want to eat.

Boil the pasta.

Once all the onions, pasta, and sauce are done drain the pasta and pour the cheese sauce over it. Yum yum. Serve in bowls with the onions on top as a delicious garnish.


If it's your sort of thing, the fancy-pants-ness of the cheese in this recipe would go really well with some Prosciuto.
Why is there a picture of a cat? Because I could not figure out the picture sizing. So it is angry and confuzzled. Like me.

I haven't made the Kraken Mac myself for quite awhile. Not since around Fall of 2008. It takes a lot of trial and error, getting the cheese sauce just right. But it is so good. If you can swing it, go all Gruyere. Yes.

Delicious Fake Chicken Curry

Quit Smoking Challenge Update:
I have smoked one cigarette in the last 50 hours

Alright, so my only thoughts for the last two days have been cigarette cigarette cigarette so I cooked up something delicious to take my mind off of smoking.

GET THE KITCHEN READY FOR THIS ONE BECAUSE IT'LL HAVE YOU EATING FUCKING DELICIOUSNESS FOR WEEKS.

PEPPERED CHICKEN CURRY (of the Gods)
You will need:
1 lb. chicken (or chick'n, more on that later)
1 bulb garlic
olive oil
half a lemon
ginger, turmeric, salt, and pepper
2 medium yellow onions

Now, I was making food for two of my friends (not vegetarians) and myself so I made a full recipe for them and a half recipe for myself with this:

This shit is DELICIOUS. It's made from...a fungus. Like mushrooms. Only not. And guess what it tastes like? FUCKING CHICKEN. Awesome. On with the recipe.

1. Chop up chicken ( or fake chicken) in to rough cubes. Put in a bowl big enough fer mixin'.
2. Finely, finely chop 3 cloves of garlic and throw it on top of the chicken
3. Add about a tablespoon of ginger, 2 teaspoons of turmeric, the juice of half a lemon, a shake of salt and triple shake of pepper to the chicken bowl
4. Mix it up and rub all the spices in with your hands. Cover the bowl with a paper towel and let it sit in the fridge for an hour.

5. Roughly chop the two onions.
6. Take chopped onion #1 and blend it, yes you heard right, blend it in a blender until it's an onion paste. Add a tiny bit of oil if it's not blending well.
7. Coat a frying pan in oil and add a 1 teaspoon pepper to it. Let it heat up.
8. Add the chopped onion that wasn't turned in to puree. Cook until slightly browned.
9. Add the onion puree. Cook for about 10 minutes on medium.
10. Add the delicious chicken. Cook for another 10 minutes.
11. Add a cup of water, turn down the heat a little, and let it simmer for about 20 minutes. Cook until the chicken is done if it's real chicken.

Serve it up with some rice and pita bread. Fucking win. Fucking fucking win. I was afraid I'd be jealous of my friends and their real chicken but the Quorn fake chicken cutlets were fucking amazing.


Now, we still aren't done with the cooking from today! I made some home made fucking ICE CREAM for dessert and let me tell you, I am never buying ice cream again.

1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
3-4 drops of vanilla
1 mango and 2 bananas (or a heaping amount of any fruit you want)

Blend it all until smooth in a blender and then freeze it in any container you wish. Once solid, eat the shit out of it.

EAT ALL THESE AMAZING THINGS.

Jello?

LOCATION: Not in bed
MUSIC: Smooth jazz muzak and rain from a rain sounds website. Drinking cranberry juice from a wine glass. This is classy, America.
COLOR: That green color that the kooky Asian woman on the Behr commercial loves.

So, the 4th of July just passed. I'm sure you all went to family barbecues and were offered steaming piles of delicious meat and jello molds. I went to Boyfriend's house and was so tickled to see that his mother bought me veggie burgers. And not just any veggie burgers! They were Indian spice masala flavored potato-based veggie burgers. And they were vegan! How delicious.

Avoiding meat on a holiday isn't all that hard since there are plenty of other little appetizers to fill yourself up on so when you're just munching on corn on the cob and green beans come supper time you're not at all hungry or depressed. It's dessert where the problems start.

Now, dessert is usually a meat-free affair. But for some reason everyone likes to make this certain Jello cake at every barbecue for every 4th of July.


THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE
It's white cake with holes poked in it and red/blue jello poured down into the holes. Everyone makes it. And Jello, as most people know, IS NOT VEGETARIAN.

Jello is made from gelatin which contains animal bones and cartilage. Once you know that, Jello seems far more disgusting, unnatural, and sinister. I ate the cake, though. It's very hard to not eat the cake your boyfriend's mother made for you, especially when you are still in approval stage. We took pieces home and I ate a tiny slice and of course it was delicious. But it got me thinking. IS THERE A JELLO SUBSTITUTE THAT IS VEGETARIAN? Of course there is. Somewhere out there. I mean, if you really feel the need to eat something wobbly and translucent you've got options, I guess.

Dole makes jelly cups that are called 'Gels'. Their gelatin substitute is some sort of bean gum but their coloring comes from insects (like most things, you knew that right?) So I would suppose it's vegetarian enough but probably not good enough for vegans.

Another gelatin substitute is agar agar which comes from seaweed. I suppose that's fine, too, but you'll be making the Jello from scratch and in the end you've just got yourself some Jello and you have to ask yourself, "was it worth it?"

The Week of Lazy

LOCATION: Alright, I'm still in bed. Again. Thanks for cutting my hours, Coffee Shop.
MOOD: Quitting smoking. Horrible headache.
COLOR: The color of the day is pink. I've been thinking of watermelon.

Alright, so I haven't cooked much this week. Not sure what happened there but it could very well be related to the tension headaches smoking has been giving me and the crabby-pants not smoking hath wrought.

Last night I made some thick rigatoni noodles with four-cheese alfredo, pesto, and caramelized onions. I chased it with some candy and a whole lot of Cheez-Its. Something about not feeling well makes me want to stuff myself with CHEESE.

But there are still things to share! A lot of things! I bring you plentiful knowledge about vegan/vegetarian restaurant enjoyment. FIRST there is THE LOVING HUT, an international vegan-friendly restaurant. The closest one is Chicago and boy, do I want to go there. I won't lie to you, the menu at Ecopolitan is kind of gross to me. Nut cheese and all. This sweet, sweet hut of loving, however, appears to have a menu of things I would totally make. Stir-fry, kung pao soy meats, fried spring rolls, vegan pho...VEGAN PHO! Too many places are like, "oh man, we're vegan, we have to make everything a substitute of the real thing." So you get a lot of mock duck and nut cheese. This looks like a menu that stands on its own that just so happens to not use dairy or meat products. Loving Hut is all like, "oh yeah, we just made all this delicious food. Oh? There aren't any animal products in it? Look at that."


Look at it. Look at this loving little hut. It looks like a fancy little Noodles and Co. with the interior inspiration by the California Pizza Kitchen.

LINK:
www.lovinghut.us/chicago/menu

I have to tell you. I have been craving a few things lately. The Subway Teriyaki Chicken sandwich. Burger King. Taco John's. I want these things but I know I cannot have them. I shouldn't have them. It's easy to fight off a chicken craving by thinking about the texture. But I've been wanting some onion rings from Burger King badly. Several sources report that Burger King's rings are actually vegan...there's no way to tell, really. I'm sure they get processed right along with tons of meat and cheese products but if you're a hardcore enough vegan to care about that you probably shouldn't be in a Burger King.

Dominos has proved to be pretty good in a lazy, lazy pinch. My boyfriend gets these little red envelopes delivered each week that contain DOMINOS MVP COUPONS. I guess he gets them for going there a lot? I don't know. But these coupons entitle us to all sorts of free pasta bowls and cheap pizza. If it's late, you don't want to cook, and you absolutely cannot fathom leaving the house then you could do worse than Dominos.

I don't think there's a lot going on there for a vegan (I doubt the thin crust is vegan...not sure, though) but the vegetarian options are palatable. The only specialty pizza that isn't a Triple Meat Disaster is the Pacific Veggie.


Here it is. Yum yum.

You got yer red peppers, olives, mushrooms, onions, feta cheese, and spinach. The weird thing is, there are patches of delicious spice in uneven parts all over the pizza. One bite will be unsatisfying and boring and then the next bite will be a symphony of oregano and happiness. A large will run you about $18 with the delivery charge but with coupons it's a nice deal.

The bread bowl pastas are also good. Only get the bread bowl part if you are famished. The pasta itself should do you fine and for the price of any of their pre-made ones you can choose your own sauce and three toppings. A place that lists their toppings as "meats" and "un-meats" doesn't sound really vegetarian friendly but, as with most pizza places, you can do just fine.

The place to BE however, is obviously Pizza Luce. Every day you can get a crazy specialty vegetarian slice of pizza for just $4 and it's huge. They don't play around with mock duck (which is disgusting) but instead they have mock chicken. It tastes like those delicious Morning Star Farms patties. Fake breading on the outside, soy on the inside. Delicious in everything. They even make sandwiches with it! But I didn't have to tell you about Luce. It's THE place vegetarians and vegans go in the Twin Cities.

BONUS RECIPE OF THE DAY: THE BEST SAUCE EVER

I went through my bookmarks the other day and saved only two of the 500. The first one was Augustan Burroughs' Flickr with pictures from his Dry era. If you haven't read Dry you definitely should; Burroughs is more famous for Running with Scissors, that memoir made movie about his wacky and tragic childhood. Dry, which was written before but, I think, released after is about his early-mid 20's struggle with alcohol. He even came from New York to go to treatment in Northern Minnesota (I guess there is/was a GLBT rehab clinic up there?) and I like his sense of humor. He's poignant without being mushy; a lot of memoirs go the "in your face/cut you to the quick with emotion" route but Burroughs just seems like a guy you'd get a drink with (well, not anymore, I guess) and chill.

But, to the point, the second bookmark I kept was this recipe that I modified.

THE BEST SAUCE EVER FOR ANYTHING

I got this off AllRecipes and changed it dramatically. The original recipe called for 1/3 CUP butter and I feel much better using just a tablespoon.

1 Tablespoon butter
-Melt this in a sauce pan and then add:
3 Tablespoons soy sauce
2 Tablespoons chopped garlic (have to go with real garlic on this one, no powders. The kind in the little jar work best for this one so no need to break out the knives)
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
Splash of vinegar (if you have it, not imperative)

Heat all of this up and then add the secret ingredient.

1 1/2 Tablespoons brown sugar

Let it simmer very gently for awhile and then pour over vegetables. It's so good. It tastes vaguely Asian and sweet...it's sweet, savory, amazing. I tried it over rice once and it was good but almost a little too rich. It goes best with broccoli and cashews (the original intention of the recipe) but I've poured it over pasta and salad in a stitch and it's a great sauce all around. You will be addicted for a good month or so.

Note: Feel free to change out the butter for a vegan margarine, too. Vegan margarine, unlike vegan cheese, imitates the real thing pretty well.

Vegan Broccoli Puffs

WHERE AM I?: In bed. Of course.
WHAT AM I DOING?: Waiting for my tomatoes to come to harvest!
MUSIC: Boyfriend's APB playlist. Man, everyone loves Phoenix so much.

This one is hard to fuck up. I'm going to go ahead and start with a vegan Asian inspired appetizer since I just got back from United Noodle with a happy bag filled with Asian snacks. Nothing is better than a good Roast Flavored Pretz washed down with some Coffee Pucca followed by Green Tea Caramels (good to enjoy!)

VEGAN THAI PASTRY PUFFS!
Dough:
Water
Flour
Yeah. That's it.

Alright, so throw about two cups of flour in a bowl. Add about 1/2 cup cold water and mix it in really well. Keep adding cold water (slowly, you don't want it to get squishy and watery) until you come up with a pretty firm ball of dough.

This is pretty much unleavened bread dough here. Simple and clean. Put this bowl with your dough ball in the fridge with a moist paper towel over the top for about 10 minutes. Or less if you're impatient like me. Roll it out with a drinking glass (because who the hell has a rolling pin? Just hanging around? Almost no one.)

Pro Tip!: If using a drinking glass, a real glass one works best. It also cleans up best. But remember, don't press too hard. I've had glasses shatter under my rolling weight before. A lot of pirogi were ruined in this fashion.

Flour a surface (and your hands) and try and roll the dough out as thin as possible without it tearing when you pick it up. Now the drinking glass comes back in to play! Take your drinking glass (or another one) with a pretty big mouth. You want it to be about 3 inches across. Start cutting out little circles in your dough with the lip! Now you have the pocket part of your Thai pockets.

Filling
Broccoli
Curry powder
Fresh garlic
-If you have it on hand. If not, 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder is about equivalent to 1 minced clove of garlic

Mince the broccoli up really small. The florets taste best in this recipe but use what you want. I used about a half a single stalk of broccoli for this whole recipe. Add about two teaspoons curry powder and toss it all in a bowel with 2-3 teaspoons garlic. Add a little bit of water (I find that a dab of water and about two sprays of Pam work best) cover with a moist paper towel, and microwave. Seriously, microwave it for about 3 minutes, mix it up, and keep microwaving until it looks good and soft to you.

Once it's all steamed up pour it out on a dry paper towel and let all the excess water drain off. It shouldn't be really watery, just sort of moist. You want to let it drain and dry out a lot before adding it to the dough.

Now, take spoonfuls of the broccoli and put it in the center of your dough circles. Grab the sides up and pinch them to the top, making a little purse. A tiny dab of water where they all come together tends to help them stick.

Now, line them on a foil covered baking sheet and cook for about 10-15 minutes at 400 degrees. YOUR POCKETS SHOULD BE LIGHTLY BROWN AND TASTY!

The Thai Dipping Sauce
This is where the Thai comes in to the name. I don't even know if broccoli is a Thai food, I just sort of took the name and thought it sounded fancy. Think of it as the poor man's fusion food.

1/4 Thai sweet chili sauce
1 1/2 Tablespoons soy sauce

Mix it up and enjoy! Dip away! They are pretty yummy for being vegan and good to share! No one will even think they're vegan!

A Simple Grocery List

DAY: Saturday, the first day of rest
TIME: Too late to still be in bed
SOUNDTRACK: Magical dinging noises from my boyfriend customizing his car on APB

WORD OF THE DAY:
Oblong.
n.
An object or figure, such as a rectangle, with an elongated shape.

Alright, to the point. I've decided to revive this blog as a RECIPE AND FOOD blog for all of you out there who have been following my recipes and getting food advice. I wanted to get all of my recipes together in one place.

The problem I've run in to with vegan, vegetarian, and even good looking recipes is they all call for something no one has. I do not have a cupboard filled with yeast, tumeric, mustard seed, and the tears of an unloved child. These are not things I collect. My cupboard is lucky to have flour in it. There are days I pack a small day-trip bag and go spelunking in the spice cupboard, searching for salt, and come back with nothing but a handful of dried parsley leaves and some mouse turds. But I love to cook. And I'm going to make it easy for you guys to cook delicious meals, too, with the very things in your cupboard! (minus the turds)

So let's start out with a shopping list. Go to the store with $40. Buy these things. Make 2 serving meals for a week. Or make two weeks worth of single serving meals. I'm not one for leftovers, I like to cook fresh every night, but you can definitely put these in a Tupperware and just go at it whenever.

SHOPPING LIST
Objective: Leave the house with $40 and come back with ingredients that you will use

-Two boxes of pasta
I prefer whole wheat since it's a nice way to get the grains without noticing. Whole wheat pasta tends to be a little more al dente and needs a couple minutes longer to cook.

-A jar of red sauce
You never need to get a fancy, $5 jar of sauce. Those sauces are for people looking to just microwave the sauce and dump it on their noodles. It tastes nicer than the Prego stuff but we're not just dumping sauce here. The idea is that we're going to use the sauce as an ingredient.

-A jar of basil pesto
This used to be expensive but now there's a Classico brand pesto that doesn't go for more than $2. It's carried almost everywhere, so definitely pick it up.

-Yellow onions
Onions are great in everything. Like garlic, you can use them in stir fry, pasta, on meat, with potatoes, almost anything.

-Red and green peppers

-Fresh broccoli
Don't get the ones in the steamer bag. They smell like ass.

-Mushrooms
Get the whole ones in the cardboard box. Unless you're like Nathan Raths: scared that they will grow fungus in your stomach after ingesting them. Don't be like Nathan.

-Spinach
Spinach is my miracle food. I hate crunchy, leafy greens but spinach is full of great nutrients. So I cut/tear is up in to tiny little pieces and cook it with everything. People always lie to me and say, "lettuce has no flavor!". Lettuce tastes like ass.It's crunchy water and I hate it. I can detect a single shred of lettuce in a pot of stew. Spinach, however, really cooks in and you can totally ignore the taste if you want and still get the health benefits/

-Bread
Again, I like wheat. You can get a loaf of whole wheat bread at Target for 87 cents on the bottom shelf. It's hiding down there. Also, keep your bread in the fridge so it doesn't mold as fast. Out of the fridge it could be fucked by the little green/blue patches in a week. WHO EATS A WHOLE LOAF OF BREAD IN A WEEK? The makers of bread (Wonder, Cottage, and Jesus Christ) should look in to making bread that never goes bad. It might give you cancer but it will be soft and fluffy forever.

-Rice
Get long grain rice. I will share a secret with you: I always fuck up rice. It always comes out crunchy and watery when I make it. But no more! I learned YOU HAVE TO WASH THE RICE. Swirl it around, pour out the water, and repeat about three times. Cooking Mama taught me this.

-Curry/pad thai sauce packets
Get the dry spice packets you add oil/water to. It's much cheaper and it could last you longer.

-Canned artichokes
Don't get fresh ones. They are scary and huge. I do not know what to do with them. Get the little canned hearts for like, a dollar.

-A bottle of your favorite dressing

-Eggs
Unless you're vegan, eggs can be versatile and delicious.

-Extra firm tofu
I was unsure about the firmness of my tofu (that sounds creepy) but I went with extra firm and was really happy I did. The extra firm was still barely solid enough to stir fry with. It held together fine but I can't imagine what the looser ones are like.

-Soy sauce
Just cheap, plain sauce. Low sodium is always a good one.

-Sweet Chili sauce
This might be a little hard to find, but you can get it at any grocery store and every restaurant has it on a back shelf. It's bright red with little red pepper flecks floating in it and probably has a very Asian looking label with a smiling face and some roast duck or dog or something.

So we're at about $35-40 right now. You've got some good basics here and can make a tooon of stuff. Here are some extras that are nice to have around the house, too.

-Brown sugar
Great in oatmeal, great for sauces. A lot of Asian sauces have a sweet component to them and brown sugar can give that really well.

-A sweet dry cereal
I get these cinnamon sugar fiber Cheerio looking things. They're really good to snack on when I want something sweet. This way I avoid the delicious cookies I have to bake at work every day.

-Stir fry noodles
You can get packets of these at Cub. One packet is definitely enough for two people even if it doesn't look that big. It's a little big of a luxury item but if you can afford it, it's a good replacement for rice.

-Vegetable broth
Good to cook in and make sauces/soups with less oil

And there you have it. All nice, healthy ingredients to start your week with. You'll want to cook every night! You just spent about the same amount you would for two or three nice meals out for over a week's worth of delicious meals in. Hooray! Next episode, I'll tell you what to do with all of these things.