Jello?

LOCATION: Not in bed
MUSIC: Smooth jazz muzak and rain from a rain sounds website. Drinking cranberry juice from a wine glass. This is classy, America.
COLOR: That green color that the kooky Asian woman on the Behr commercial loves.

So, the 4th of July just passed. I'm sure you all went to family barbecues and were offered steaming piles of delicious meat and jello molds. I went to Boyfriend's house and was so tickled to see that his mother bought me veggie burgers. And not just any veggie burgers! They were Indian spice masala flavored potato-based veggie burgers. And they were vegan! How delicious.

Avoiding meat on a holiday isn't all that hard since there are plenty of other little appetizers to fill yourself up on so when you're just munching on corn on the cob and green beans come supper time you're not at all hungry or depressed. It's dessert where the problems start.

Now, dessert is usually a meat-free affair. But for some reason everyone likes to make this certain Jello cake at every barbecue for every 4th of July.


THIS FUCKER RIGHT HERE
It's white cake with holes poked in it and red/blue jello poured down into the holes. Everyone makes it. And Jello, as most people know, IS NOT VEGETARIAN.

Jello is made from gelatin which contains animal bones and cartilage. Once you know that, Jello seems far more disgusting, unnatural, and sinister. I ate the cake, though. It's very hard to not eat the cake your boyfriend's mother made for you, especially when you are still in approval stage. We took pieces home and I ate a tiny slice and of course it was delicious. But it got me thinking. IS THERE A JELLO SUBSTITUTE THAT IS VEGETARIAN? Of course there is. Somewhere out there. I mean, if you really feel the need to eat something wobbly and translucent you've got options, I guess.

Dole makes jelly cups that are called 'Gels'. Their gelatin substitute is some sort of bean gum but their coloring comes from insects (like most things, you knew that right?) So I would suppose it's vegetarian enough but probably not good enough for vegans.

Another gelatin substitute is agar agar which comes from seaweed. I suppose that's fine, too, but you'll be making the Jello from scratch and in the end you've just got yourself some Jello and you have to ask yourself, "was it worth it?"