Fuck Cake

I have a new food partner. My buddy, Gwyneth, is getting married in the fall and she wanted a custom cake. All the places she shopped ideas around to were very, very expensive so we thought we'd experiment with making fondant sculptures on our own.

It was a horrible failure. The FailBoat came in to the station and capsized, killing thousands of men. Here is the tragic story.

Fondant
2 lbs (or one bag) powdered sugar
1/4 cup cold water
1 tablespoon unflavored gelatin
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1 tsp. almond extract
GEL food coloring
1 can CRISCO

Take that cold water and mix in the gelatin. Cub Foods was sold out and Gwyneth and I were starting to get desperate. We almost bought Jello. Don't do this. Keep searching for fucking god's-honest gelatin or you will be ever so sorry. Pop the water/gelatin in the microwave for ten seconds. Pull it out and mix it up good.

Add the almond extract and the light corn syrup. Sift out the sugar into a bowl (or, if you are me, dump it into a dirty cake pan). Pour the wibbly-wobbly stuff into the center of the sugar and then coat your hands in Crisco. Mix it together like you would bread dough until you have...


A terrifying ball
This is right. This is good. You now have the beginnings of fondant. Now you're going to want to separate it all out into however many colors you'd like. Use the GEL colors as the drippy ones will make your fondant loose and water it down. Now, this is the part where Gwyneth and I failed.

While we were mixing the gel colors into the fondant we kept putting Crisco on our hands. This was our biggest mistake. The Crisco mixed in and made the fondant incredibly squishy and shiny. We were technically massaging fat into the ball of frosting for over an hour. This made it impossible to work with and everything we made was deformed and fell over.

We very careful about how much you work the fondant. Gwyneth and I, trying to save the project, ended up making tiny and retarded things and then rolling the rest of the colored fondant out and laying it over our Funfetti cake. This is what happened.


Do you see? Look with your eyes and gaze upon the horror
Because we overworked the fondant with Crisco everything became impossible. It was pretty tasty but nothing you would want on your wedding day unless you are John Waters or criminally insane. The fondant recipe was great, before we worked in color it came out beautiful and perfect, so we'll keep you updated on what things come to pass as the wedding inches closer.